A Cup of Tea With Me

When I was a teenager, I was very into heavy metal, horror movies and anything to do with the occult. I remember saying “Oh, Mom, just because I listen to this band or watch this movie or read this book, it is not going to affect my life.” “I am not going to turn into a mass murder, because I like to watch Freddy Kruger.” “I am not going to kill myself because there are subliminal messages in Ozzy’s music.”

I am bipolar, many of my long time readers know that. I have anger issues. I have had dreams were I AM a mass murder. I know it was just a dream, but it was so real that I woke up crying. I have had dreams, where I murdered my children. I stood there, crying over their beds, with the bloody knife in my hand. Yes, it was just a dream, but it felt SO real. I could not think of anything but guilt for days after that dream. I have been suicidal. I wanted to kill myself, many times, not just the time that I talk about in 2005, where God saved me.

Where am I going with all this?

I have always believed that you could listen to what you want, read what you want, watch what you want, and as long as you know right from wrong, that it will be ok.

I have always had a draw, in my life to the occult. I have been fascinated by  magic for as long as I can remember. I have even tried dabbling in it, myself.

I have stuck by my previously mentioned beliefs. Even after becoming a Christian. I have still honestly believed that a book is just a book, a movie is just a movie, a video game is just a video game.

I have read all the Harry Potter books. When I picked up this last one, I had a feeling that I should not be reading it. I just knew in my heart that I should put it down. I did not.  I read the entire book in 3 days. I know some of you read it faster, but I was wrestling with my conscience. I KNEW I should not be reading that book. Yet I did it anyway. I have not felt ANY peace in the past three days. When I was reading it, the ringing in my ears was louder. I had nightmares. Not because the book was scary, but because I was opening a door in my mind that was supposed to stay shut. This world of magic is one of the ways that satan uses to attack my faith. While reading this book, I did not pray once. Nope, none. I just read.

I have found that when my kids start talking about their video games they play, and the killing that they do, the hair on the back of my neck stands up. It gives me chills.

I watch a movie with my beloved,  and I feel physically ill afterward.

I now know that all the things that were just things, as long as you know right from wrong, are all things that satan will use against us.

My struggle now is, “How do I change the happenings in my house, after I have turned a ‘blind eye’ to it after all these years?” Do I just get rid of the video games that we have spent thousands of dollars on? (The thought that we have spent that much money alone, makes me ill.) Do I turn off the music channels? The cable? I do not think that is the answer. I want to find a way to talk to them so they will REALLY listen, not laugh at me, like I did my mom. Any suggestions?

I have been silent (again) for several reasons. I am not going to post all my reasons in this post. I am going to share what is on my heart. I may make other posts going into detail about this later.

I have mentioned to Beck, and maybe a few others, that I am doing a study on the will of God. I started this study, wanting to find out the ultimate will of God for my life. As I have dug into this study, I have found that the will of God, much like other parts of our lives, is a journey. When we complete one leg of the journey, the next leg will be revealed to us. Oh, I have learned a lot more that I would love to share with you, however, I am going to stop there, in this post, because I do not want this post to be all about that.

Another thing on my heart is discipleship.

  ¹⁸ Jesus approached and, breaking the silence, said to them, All authority (all power of rule) in heaven and on earth has been given to Me.
¹⁹ Go then and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them into the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
²⁰ Teaching them to observe everything that I have commanded you, and behold, I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the [very] close and consummation of the age. Amen (so let it be).
Matthew 28:18-20(AMP) - emphasis added by me

More on this in a later post, also. I do not want to water down the importance of it with it being discussed here with other things.

The last thing on my heart is not solved yet, so I am not posting it, but it involves Faith Filled Wives. I will let you all know when I reach my answer.

Ok, well, not really, but I can do it now, because of what I did do.

My old readers know, and some of my newer readers might have scrolled back that far and read. I had trouble reading the book of Job. With my bi-polar and some of the health things I have been going through, the book just depressed me more and more. Well, I got my hands on a used copy of With the Word by Warren W. Wiersbe, and have been using it to help with my Bible study. It is not a full commentary, but it does have commentary on each chapter of the Bible. Anyway, I was at work yesterday, and it was not real busy. Busy enough that I did not want to pull out my Bible, my note pad and With the Word, so I just pulled out With the Word, for some light reading.

Well, to my pleasant surprise, I had the idea to start reading the book of Job in there. I am so glad I did. I now feel that I can open my Bible and read the book of Job without the depression and the pain. I now will be able to look deeper into the meaning of the book, and see that Job had it bad. Real bad, and that my problems are not near as bad as what he had. I also know that in Job, and in my life, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

While reading this commentary, I got through the entire book, with lots of quotes to help me through my life. It was wonderful. However, the best part was, when I was on the last chapter or 2, I got an answer to a prayer, dealing with my own health problems. I will be calling the Dr first thing Monday morning.

Anyway, I am not finishing the Psalms before I go back and read Job. I am just going to go read Job, then come back to the Psalms when I am finished.

Ang, I am still looking for a copy of The Gospel According to Job. Well, I have found it on Amazon, but I am trying to get an order together, so I can get free shipping. I really want to read this though. It looks like a great resource. Thanks again for suggesting it.

This post is going to be hard for me to write. Like many things lately, I am opening my heart and life and being 100% honest with you all. Sometimes I feel vulnerable when I do this and this is one of those times. It is a tough decision whether this belongs here or Faith Filled Wives blog. It is part about my marriage, part about my children and mostly about me.

I have been very depressed lately. I gave you a glimpse into that insight when I published “The Pit”. Well, here is more on that story.

I have been out of whack for a while. I quit going to church. I quit blogging. I quit talking to my friends. I just quit. The more things I quit, the more depressed I became. When I struggle, I tend to want to struggle alone. I do not want to be “Eeyore” to every one.

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In my The Everyday Life Bible Joyce Meyer added a side note for Psalm 40:2. It is called a Life Point, and here is what Joyce has to say:

Psalm 40:2 (AMP) He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.

When the Bible speaks of “the pit,” as it does in Psalm 40, I always think of the depths of depression. The psalmist David often spoke of feeling as though he was going down into a pit and calling out to the Lord to rescue him and set his feet on solid, level ground.

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I was just given a lecture on my opinions on medications for conditions such as Bi-Polar and depression. In case you do not know, I am anti-medication. If you take meds for conditions like that, that is your choice. Just because I choose not to take medications that make me violently ill, or mess with my heart, does not mean that I do not think that everyone should make the choice I made. It is all about the choices we make.

When I have suffered from depression and was suicidal, I had choices to make every morning when I woke up. (Please remember that the last time I was that depressed, I was not walking with the Lord.)

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I have been harboring a grudge for over 12 years. This person did something to offend me one night. He was my husband’s best friend. I guess he thought that they were supposed to share everything, and that included me. Anyway, he was coming for a visit today. I realized that I needed to forgive this man for what he did, 12 years ago. If God could forgive my many sins, I could forgive him this one thing, because it really was meaningless in the larger picture. No one was physically hurt. I just made to feel emotionally vulnerable. It has been obvious over the years that he is going to be a part of our lives.

As I was working through the forgiveness in my mind, I discovered that all this time, I have had bitterness growing in my heart towards my husband, because he was still friends with this man. I talked to him about it. Got it all out in the open, and pruned the root of bitterness.

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Many of you know I have been down for a month or so. I am bi-polar and I cannot take meds for it. They make me physically sick, so I have to deal with it, when the downward swing in my emotions takes place. These “attacks” can last anywhere from a few hours to years. Thankfully, I am getting better at dealing with them when they hit. I have had an internal struggle going on, along with my having to be strong for family and friends. I knew in my heart that my depression was needing addressed.

I was not sure what was the cause, but I knew that it stemmed from my being disobedient to God, some where, some how. I was letting the enemy in my life and he was taking advantage of it.

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I cannot go into the entire thing, but I just had to share. I am going through a tough time right now. The enemy is attacking left and right, and he is actually starting to get to me.

Someone very close to me had her husband of 21 years leave. This person needs lots of prayer and support. Even worse. They have a 14 year old daughter. She is so angry and hurt. It was pretty much just out of the blue. No one was expecting it. If you would please keep “V” and “K” in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. Actually, I also believe that her husband needs prayers. I am not sure what happened, but I do know that this once strong Christian man is not walking with God right now.

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