A Cup of Tea With Me

When I was a teenager, I was very into heavy metal, horror movies and anything to do with the occult. I remember saying “Oh, Mom, just because I listen to this band or watch this movie or read this book, it is not going to affect my life.” “I am not going to turn into a mass murder, because I like to watch Freddy Kruger.” “I am not going to kill myself because there are subliminal messages in Ozzy’s music.”

I am bipolar, many of my long time readers know that. I have anger issues. I have had dreams were I AM a mass murder. I know it was just a dream, but it was so real that I woke up crying. I have had dreams, where I murdered my children. I stood there, crying over their beds, with the bloody knife in my hand. Yes, it was just a dream, but it felt SO real. I could not think of anything but guilt for days after that dream. I have been suicidal. I wanted to kill myself, many times, not just the time that I talk about in 2005, where God saved me.

Where am I going with all this?

I have always believed that you could listen to what you want, read what you want, watch what you want, and as long as you know right from wrong, that it will be ok.

I have always had a draw, in my life to the occult. I have been fascinated by  magic for as long as I can remember. I have even tried dabbling in it, myself.

I have stuck by my previously mentioned beliefs. Even after becoming a Christian. I have still honestly believed that a book is just a book, a movie is just a movie, a video game is just a video game.

I have read all the Harry Potter books. When I picked up this last one, I had a feeling that I should not be reading it. I just knew in my heart that I should put it down. I did not.  I read the entire book in 3 days. I know some of you read it faster, but I was wrestling with my conscience. I KNEW I should not be reading that book. Yet I did it anyway. I have not felt ANY peace in the past three days. When I was reading it, the ringing in my ears was louder. I had nightmares. Not because the book was scary, but because I was opening a door in my mind that was supposed to stay shut. This world of magic is one of the ways that satan uses to attack my faith. While reading this book, I did not pray once. Nope, none. I just read.

I have found that when my kids start talking about their video games they play, and the killing that they do, the hair on the back of my neck stands up. It gives me chills.

I watch a movie with my beloved,  and I feel physically ill afterward.

I now know that all the things that were just things, as long as you know right from wrong, are all things that satan will use against us.

My struggle now is, “How do I change the happenings in my house, after I have turned a ‘blind eye’ to it after all these years?” Do I just get rid of the video games that we have spent thousands of dollars on? (The thought that we have spent that much money alone, makes me ill.) Do I turn off the music channels? The cable? I do not think that is the answer. I want to find a way to talk to them so they will REALLY listen, not laugh at me, like I did my mom. Any suggestions?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 14th, 2007 at 9:22 am and is filed under My Journey, family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.