You can run but you can’t hide
Well, I told you that when I had to choose one to please, I chose my DH. You know that when you are a Christian, that you are to obey God above all others. I knew what I was doing was wrong.
I quit going to church. I quit taking Jorge to church. Moosey continued to go, but the church van provided all the transportation. I quit reading His Word. I quit fellowshipping with other Christians. I quit talking to Him.
The more I played the Sims 2, World of Warcraft and EverQuest, the less I could hear Him. I had this nagging voice in the back of my head, but I wrote it off as just that, a nagging voice. I was miserable.
I stopped watching how I spent my money. We would eat out instead of me cooking. I did not take pride in my home, my housework. I let it all fall behind. I was setting the worst example for my children.
I was angry all the time. I knew what I should be doing, but I would not do it. That voice would say “Pray” “Talk to Him” “Read His Word” “Clean the living room the way that you know you should”. But I chose to ignore it. He was telling me all along.
I would play games, and not pay attention to my kids. It was just like when I was playing EQ, and putting all my attention in my guild, not my family. I was miserable.
It got to the point where I would have to go back to work. There was no way around the way it. I was not doing my job as a homemaker and mother. We were spending more money that DH was making. I was making all the wrong decisions, and I knew it.
DH would ask me what I was doing. Why I was mad all the time. I would tell him that I did not know. I knew what I needed to do, but I just would not do it. I would refuse to listen to anyone or anything. I would just cry. I felt the depression coming back. I was miserable.
All the time, every day, I would hear “Take You Back“, by Jeremy Camp.
And even when your fight is over now
Even when your fight is over now
I’ll take you back always
And even when the pain is coming through
Even when the pain is coming through
I’ll take you back
I lived like this for 5 months. 5 long, miserable months. I knew He was trying to reach me. I knew He loved me and wanted me back. I was just too stubborn to do so.
