The Depression and the Deliverance
In August of 2005, I had a deep depression settle over me. Mind you, there was no reason for this depression. I was back at work, working with a great boss, who also happened to be one of my closest friends. I had great co-workers. We were like a family. I had DH and the boys. They were awesome. We had all our debt paid off. There was NO reason for this depression. No matter what I did, I could not shake it. I had suicidal thoughts. If I could have figured out a way to kill myself, with out my kids being the ones to find me, I would have. It was the only way out.
I finally talked to DH about it and we decided I needed to speak to a professional. I went to my doctor, as she is one of the few “professionals” I trust. I explained it all to her, including my suicidal thoughts. She put me on some meds that made me ill, so I quit taking them. What was worse, suicidal and not vomiting, or suicidal and vomiting, making me wish it was over, even more? They also irritated my heart conditions and I almost had to go back on heart meds. No thank you. I figured I would find another way to deal with it.
During this time, Moosey had a friend invite him to church on Wednesday nights. I liked this idea, and gladly let him go. He had a leader there that really listened and helped. He was great with the middle school children that he was helping.
A co-worker told me that she was worried about me. She wanted to know what was going on. I told her a little bit, but not the suicidal part. I did tell her about trying the meds to see if they would work. She asked me what church I went to, that I should talk to my pastor. I had to tell her that while I believed, I did not attend church. (I have believed soley in God since I got married to DH. I do not think I added that in my first post. I knew that God was the only way. I just did not show it. I did not live it.)
One day, while at work, this elderly man came up and started small talk. I worked in a kiosk, at the mall, selling cinnamon roasted pecans, so this was nothing unusual. He was a regular in the mall, and such a nice man. He always had something to say about how much God loves us all. This morning, he felt the need to sing to me. He told me that if I did not see him much more, it was because he had gone home to be with his Father. He then serenaded me with “I’ll Leave This World Loving You.” I cried. It was such a touching moment. I gave him a hug and told him that I would see him again some day, whether it was on this earth or in Heaven. Inside, I was unsure I was going to Heaven, but I did not want to show it.
Three attempts of God to reach me. Three times, I did not open the door to my heart. My depression was still raging. It was time for Him to send in reinforcements.
It is now early October. Again, I am at work. It is a slow morning. Another elderly gentleman comes up and starts making small talk. I am thinking “Hahah! Look at this dirty old man coming up here to flirt with me.” as we got that type all the time. But this time it was different.
He starts out with small talk. About his diabetes, and other health issues. He then goes into his childhood, his family and his faith. He tells me of his ministry, in other countries, and in the prison system. He tells me of the miracles God has worked in his life. He then looks me straight in the eye and asks if he can pray with me. He prays for the demons that are in my life to leave, and for my protection. I am in tears. I had not told him any of my story. He just knew what I needed. By the time his prayer was finished, my depression was completely and totally gone. I was a new woman. I asked God, right then to forgive me, and everything was made clear. I do not know if Eli was an angel, a prophet or just a devoted disciple of the Lord. I do know that God sent him to me, in my time of need. I am thankful that he listened.
My life changed in that moment. Everything was clear, as it had not been in many years. I learned that I am truly a child of God. My walk is still a perilous one. I still try to stray from the path, but that is what a journey is all about.
